100 Funny Wedding Vows

Wedding Vows

Marriage is a time for love, laughter, and happiness. However, for many couples, the ceremony can be particularly nerve-wracking. One way to calm the nerves is to remember that you are marrying your best friend and partner for life. Another way is to add a little humor to the mix. Some might use clever hashtags on RSVP cards, but another way is to incorporate humor into your vows. Funny wedding vows help to ease the tension of the big moment, show a little personality, and most importantly, have fun with the celebration.

Use the filters below to help you find inspiration for your own wedding vows, or feel free to use them word-for-word. You can choose between 100 funny wedding vows for him, for her, or unisex wedding vows. Remember, this is the happiest day of your life!

Instructions: Click through the buttons below to sort quotes by mood and recipient. Click on the share buttons to share a quote image on Pinterest, Facebook or Twitter.

Do you take me to be your hunka-hunka burnin love?

You're the first mate to my ship captain, the Smee to my Captain Hook...

I hope to be the only people we can stand at a cocktail party forever.

I promise to take out the garbage, even in the pouring rain or freezing cold.

I promise to unclog the tub, even though you are the only one of us with long hair.

I want us to grow old and crusty together, to shake our collective fists at teenagers, and to talk endlessly about the old days when things were better, cheaper, and generally more wholesome.

I promise to turn on the air conditioning when you are hot, even if I am totally freezing.

I vow never to steal your covers, unless you are hogging them.

I love you like Jersey loves The Boss.

I love you more than Midwesterners love John Cougar Mellencamp.

I promise not to stop believin - if you promise to be my brown eyed girl.

Today we join our two hearts into one being and not in a Time Lord way.

I love you through Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.

Let what is joined never be parted - So say we all!

You and I just work together - and I love how you always finish my.... .... sentences... it's sentences.

With our wonderful chemistry, I know we would truly win the newlywed game. And by the way - I've signed us up for the Newlywed Game when it comes back on the air in 2020.

I love you, by the old gods and the new.

I promise to pay all my debts to you - a Lannister always does.

Does this mean I have to stop referring to you by your last name?

I keep thinking of the beginning of UP... is that a problem?

It is at this moment as I gaze into your eyes I think... is it too late to elope?

You are the Matt to my Ben, the Carmen to my Miranda and the Bernedette to my Peters.

I love you like the musical Cats. Now and Forever.

I promise to get up and get our remote from across the room, even if it was not I who placed the remote so very far away.

I promise to always respect your choice of music in the car when you are driving. If you are not driving however...

I vow to get a professional even though I really want to try to do it myself first.

I promise not to drink your drinks, even though I am thirsty and your drink is literally right there.

I vow to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it, even though we both know it was my manly muscles that opened that thing.

I vow to thrill you each day - to amaze and astonish you - did I mention all the magic tricks I am learning.

I vow to wash if you'll dry, just so we can be together in the kitchen, laughing, all night - every night.

I promise to love you, honor you, but not obey, because that's a little creepy.

I love you more than I love Nutella.

You're the french fries in my chocolate shake.

I love you more than I love cardigan sweater season.

You're the Ira Glass to my Sarah Koenig.

I promise not to force you to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon.

We belong together because we are as hot as young Han Solo and Princess Leia.

I promise to laugh at all your Monty Python references.

As the wise Salt n Pepa said, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

You make me wanna shoop.

Shakespeare said, "Get thee a good husband, and use him as he uses thee." But then again, he also stuck with that haircut.

You are the Luke to my Lorelei and the Uncle Jesse to my Aunt Becky.

I promise to root for ______ even though I could truly care less who wins.

I'm so happy I accepted your rose.

I promise to tell single me, to pack your knives and go.

You are the one I want to binge watch Netflix with forever.

Now that we have gotten skinny for this wedding, let's get real fat together.

I promise to tell you what you can pull off clotheswise and be honest when it's just not working.

I promise to continue to make your friends jealous of our amazing relationship.

I promise to love you through Ikea, be it during the buying or assembly of furniture procured therein.

I vow to love you even as you scan through all those movies without picking one to actually watch.

I promise that you will be as important to me as coffee, as chocolate, and as all the episodes of Grey's put together.

I love you, pants or no pants.

I vow as your wife to always support your dreams, even the one about the whale in the living room.

If you promise to kill the spiders, I'll promise to make your lunch, if you take out the trash (and the dog at night), I will make the bed. And if you love me, I will love you.

I promise to love you at all times - even during football season.

I can't wait to take your last name - I am going to totally steal your identity.

I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death do we part or you turn into a zombie. Because then we're going to have to start seeing other people.

I promise that as your wife, I will not keep score, even though I am totally winning.

I vow to somehow get to the end of this thing without ugly crying. I hope I can keep that one!

Make of our hearts one enormous 8 chambered heart.

Let's be the only people to get each other's jokes.

There’s an old Irish saying that goes, Cramagorrah Rowe Egonhah. Wait a minute. I might have accidentally cursed you. I am so sorry...

Once I take your hand, I promise I'll never let you go - our clothes will have to be specially made - but it’ll be worth it.

I promise not to make fun of the way you pack... or to second-guess your packing skills. Even if you shove things in the back of the car willy-nilly without considering how everything might fit.

Who loves you, baby? Me... that wasn't rhetorical.. I really meant... I am the one who loves you... baby.

As one volcano said to the other, "I have a dream I hope will come true that you'll grow old with me and I'll grow old with you - I thank the earth, sea - the sky I thank too - I lava you."

I can't believe how lucky I am to be marrying my BFF.

I promise to be your co-pilot, your navigator, and to bring snacks on our road-trip through life.

I can't wait to sit in our pajamas together, every night!

You're my favorite deputy - I love you to infinity and beyond!

I love you, truly, madly, deeply... and I was thinking - maybe we should get married.

I promise to listen to "Hamilton" with you about a million times, but I am not giving away my ... shot.

I vow not to take any of your less pleasing habits personally, even though I really wish you would put the keys back on the key hook, and not leave your shoes in the middle of the hallway, and I love you.

Let's grow old disgracefully together.

I vow to be your spell checker, grammar friend, and tell you when things need hyphens. I promise to be your partner in exercise, even if I am much faster than you, and most of all, I promise to try things, even though I am sure I will not like them, just because you say, "try this!"

I promise to love you no matter how many times you tell that same story - I still think it's funny too! That's why we were meant to be!

I vow to protect you from all the ills of the world, even if a scientist invented a way to clone dinosaurs and the dinosaurs escaped from his zoo and then they came after us - I would protect you as well as I could manage from said dinosaurs. That is how much I love you.

You are the love of my life and I choo-choo-choose you.

I promise to share the covers, leave the light on, make sure the toilet paper is stocked, not use all the hot water, and do as many dishes as I can stomach, as long as we both shall live so help me God.

As Harry said to Sally, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

This ring is a symbol of how you've got me wrapped around your finger.

I love your stupid face and vow that I will put up with whatever you can throw at me - if you think you can put up with my mess.

A pair of penguins mate for life, across hundreds of miles of tundra, the female penguin travels to bring food to the male, as he watches the egg over a month of sub-zero temperatures. As your husband, I promise never to ask you to do anything like that.

I want your worst - give me your bad hair days, your long commutes, your burnt coffee, lost keys, splashed shoes, annoying coworkers, lost receipts, broken copiers, give me your everyday, and I will give you my love to make it alright.

Let's be married love, I'm starving.

I just want your company, that's it. Just your company and your support - your undying support. Oh, and for you to forswear all others besides me - just all those things. Oh, and your kidneys - can you give me a kidney? Just one - and oh, your whole life - everything in your whole life - so I guess that includes your other kidney and your internal organs and soul and such. So that's all I want. Just that - think you can handle that?

I vow to laugh, for real, at your every joke no matter how stupid or poorly told. I love you that much.

Let's be dumb together - just plain stupid. Make bad choices, eat the wrong things, take the bad turns, and then let's tell great stories, the same ones - for ever and ever until no one can stand us but each other.

My only wish is to be the person you choose to sit next to in a room with all the people in history, ever.

I would marry you in a boat and with a goat. I would marry you in the rain and in the dark and on a train. And in a car and in a tree, you are so good - so good to me. So I will love you in a box and I will love you (you're a fox) and I will love you in our house even if it has a mouse, and I will love you here or there. I promise to love you anywhere (with apologies to Seuss).

I promise that even though we have cell phones, I will never forget your number. You will be my phone call when the whole system crashes.

We look pretty good. What is it we were all dressed up for?

Ha Ha - we made everyone get dressed up.

How about you love me. What do you think about forever? Maybe we should get married - what are you up to today and for the rest of your life?

Let's forget when to shut up, forget being polite, let's be that couple, those people, and have the time of our lives until we drop dead.

This is a lot of pressure, huh, I better not blow this - I _____ take you... what's your name again?

I promise not to watch the next episode without you.

If you turn into a zombie or a vampire, I promise to let you bite me, so we can be undead together.

Just one thing to tell you - I am totally worth it.